Before we begin our practical handbook designed for gentlewomen living in the new world, we shall take a moment to explain the problem with young ladies these days.
After the great panic of 2019, womenfolk have been pressed to return to the feminine duties of yesteryear. How unprepared we women were for the rigors required of the softer sex. After all, in the new world, what good is your law degree if you harbor a complete lack of understanding of how to run a modern household constantly beset by hordes of the undead?
To make the situation even worse, most poor women the days may tout few charms. In addition to unkempt appearances, they reek of ungraceful, masculine manners. Instead of priding themselves on their comely appearance and gentle countenance, these women pride themselves on sharp shooting abilities. How ever do these women expect to attract a man to help repopulate the earth? Being able to shoot an arrow through a zombie’s eye from 50 paces is all very well and good but five years into this new way of living, who can’t do that? It is time to focus our attention on catching (or keeping) the eye of the man of your dreams!
Of course, our generation grew up with the third wave of feminism which emphasized equality, respect and selfish independence. “You can be anything you want to!” we were told by our severely misguided parents and teachers. “You can even become an astronaut if you apply yourself.” Like the fools we were, we believed them. But these days, space doesn’t matter. (Unless, of course, you are trying to put distance between yourself and 700 undead pursuers. In which case, space does seem to gain some slight importance.)
Like other young ladies in the ‘10s we also put a lot of fancy stock in our “careers” and “degrees.” But during the great panic and resulting years, we’ve learned what folly this truly was. We had to grow and learn to reclaim our femininity as the key to our survival and success as a species.
As residents of the Virginia Territory, we are more fortunate than most, losing only one or two members per month to the ever-present zombie onslaught. Our group of 24 survivors has been able to maintain our current quarters for nearly three months now – rent free!
Now, what of this manual? The other day, after a particularly lovely dinner, Miss E was complimenting Mrs. K on her lovely dessert, a delicious pound cake. Curious, Miss E inquired about the ingredients, knowing that the butter supply had run out weeks ago.
Mrs. K smiled sweetly and said “I used applesauce instead.”
“But where did you find the apples?” said Miss E, genuinely curious.
“Well… do you remember when we were running for our lives in New Richmond?”
“Yes, how could I forget? Such a powerful Zombie horde! Mostly men in uniform, if I recall,” said Miss E winking (undead or alive, she loves a man in uniform).
“Well,” Mrs. K leaned almost conspiratorially “when Mr. Thompson was being eaten by that telephone repair man, I managed to pick a peck from the orchard tree … and then I held the apples in my apron and ran for dear life!”
“You sly dog!” exclaimed Miss E, laughing. “To tell you the truth, I never much cared for Mr. Thompson. He snored too much. We all sleep so much better now.” Then she paused and added, more thoughtfully, “I never would have thought of applesauce. If only there was a handbook available for these types of household tricks and tips. Heaven knows our old cookbooks are not very useful.”
Mrs. K agreed, and then paused, thinking. “Why Miss E, do you think we could do it?”
“I don’t see why not!” exclaimed Miss E. “Between the two of us, we have accrued enough experience in the feminine arts to fill a handbook or two.”
And thus, Gracious Living in a Zombie World: A Ladies’ Handbook was born.
Our guide will educate you on the ladylike manners and womanly skills you need to keep your family and fellow party of survivors warm, well-fed and entertained…. with elegance and family friendly humor!
Critical topics we’ll cover in the weeks to come:
- Easy recipes and ingredient substitutions when the pantry goes low!
- Making weapons out of everyday household objects!
- DIY victory gardening (even though victory seems highly unlikely)!
- Best practices for organizing your arsenal!
- Tips for attracting and retaining a husband when pickings are slim!
- Repopulating the planet: childbearing and rearing strategies for a new age!
- Dinner parties (all guests must have a pulse)!
- Practical crafting ideas (such as a knitted crossbow warmer)!
- Keeping your girlish figure — by running away from zombies!
- Good manners mean no elbows — or brains — on the table!
- Homemade spa treatments and beauty tricks that will knock the menfolk dead!
- Celebrating the Holidays (hint: Halloween zombie costumes are now faux pas)!
- Decorating your new survival shelter!
- Fashions that both flatter and allow you to run away in a jiffy!
- The art of polite conversation!
- ….and so many more!
In conclusion, we ask you, in our quest to build a new civilization, must we lose our civility? To that, we say a resounding “No!”
After all, why merely survive, when we can thrive?
Mrs. K & Miss E
PS: Have an etiquette question? Need hospitality or dating advice? Please send us an email at firstname.lastname@example.org