Don’t you just positively dread moving into a new survival shelter? In the past five years, our survivor group has had to move every few weeks to avoid the crushing onslaught of undead neighbors, determined to eat everyone until the human race is finally extinct.
Our current quarters are based somewhere in the Virginia territory. We’re living in a large, dilapidated plantation home. With 24 gentlemen, ladies and youngsters, quarters certainly are tight –but the square footage per person still beats my former studio in the city!
Over time, I have discovered that it is easy to make a house a home within a few hours. Below I have outlined four simple, fast ways to make your new shelter look, smell and feel like a home.
Step One: The Key to Moving is Preparation!
Of course, I always recommend keeping a “go bag” close to the door with crucial supplies. I currently have my bag filled with such key items as a first aid kit, flashlight, rifle ammunition, beauty supplies, aprons, sewing kit and doilies… all of the necessities!
Step Two: Clean House!
Clear the house of all zombies and the rotting bodies of suicidal former inhabitants. Make sure to check all doors, closets, corners and bathtubs for unwanted guests. There’s nothing worse than being woken up your first night in a new place by a stray zombie hiding in a forgotten closet, so be thorough!
Then, help the menfolk remove the bodies and pile them approximately 100+ feet away from your new home. Create a bonfire and burn all the carcasses thoroughly for approximately 25 minutes, or until they are golden brown.
WARNING: it is critical to remember that this fire is not appropriate for meal preparation!*
Step Three: Safety First!
Scrub the floors, walls and ceilings to remove all of the leftover gore (blood, intestines, brains, etc.). Politely ask the menfolk to board all windows and doors with available plywood. Watch the men as they work, taking note of their inherent genetic qualities. Are their biceps large and masculine? Do they grunt in an unseemly way or sweat in odd places? If any of the menfolk seem like husband material, move quickly, as you never know when a zombie (or another woman) might get to him first!
Also, be sure to dust, dust, dust!
Step Four: Make your Survival Shelter Look and Smell a Home!
Isn’t the smell of burning zombie carcasses ghastly? If the previous owner was too inconsiderate to leave scented candles or fragrance spray for you, try scouting the neighborhood for mint plants, rosemary bushes and other good smelling herbs to scatter around the floor. This will make your fellow residents feel like they are living in a potpourri jar!
Be sure to ransack your new house for leftover paints or watercolors (nail polish will serve in a pinch!). Then, paint attractive, comforting flower motifs on all of the window and door boards. This is a great activity the little ones are sure to enjoy! But be careful to supervise the children, lest they paint the walls with disturbing images.
Remove all of the family portraits of previous owners. After all, who needs to be reminded of an unpleasant past?
Vases filled with wildflowers are sure to be a hit. Check out your new backyard for black-eyed -susans and dandelions – but be sure to look out for roaming packs of ghouls!
Use leftover thread to create beautiful and original cross stitch patterns that can be framed and hung all around your new home! My personal favorite cross stich patterns include phrases such as “Zombies Unwelcome” and “Home Sweet Survival Shelter.”
Phew! A woman’s work is never done!
* After all, how would you feel if your s’more was accidentally filled with little bits of broken fingers instead of delicious chocolate? I think you’d be sad.