Remember those first few years after the Great Panic when we were all eating cold beans out of cans, watching our lifeblood slowly slip away from us? As a lifelong dieter, I was initially thrilled by my new chic, skeletal look.
After a while, I learned that in the new world, menfolk want a woman with curves to spare. Yes, that’s right ladies, birthing hips are back! Today, men want a woman who can keep them warm on those cold nights.
As Mrs. K’s Official Taste-Tester of all Baked Goods*, I am happy to say that I am no longer wasting away but it is still vital to stay fit enough to fight or flight, as situations do arise.
For example, a couple of months ago, I was having a conversation with the late Mr. Morton, who was part of our survivor group until two months ago when he died mysteriously of a blunt force head injury.
Mr. Morton: Miss E you are surely looking…. well, delicious today. Have you gained weight?
Me: (Blushing) Why yes I have! Thanks to all of Mrs. K’s pie-baking I’ve put on a few pounds.
Mr. Morton: I can tell. You look tasty… enough…. to eat. (Takes out his fork.)
Me: (Backing away quickly and grabbing my crowbar) It has been so nice to make your acquaintance Mr. Morton…
Yes, men today really love a girl with meat on her bones! And not just because of the recent disturbing trend of cannibalism.
Anyway, in order to keep my figure both voluptuous and fit, I have created the following exercise plan. With my simple fitness strategy, working out has never been so exhilarating – or quite so gory!
Quietly walk approximately one to two miles away from your survival shelter into an open area where you know zeds are likely to lurk. Be sure to bring a blunt object (such as a baseball bat, crowbar or machete) with you. Not only will this instrument of death be handy, it doubles as a hand weight!
Scream loudly to attract a pack of local ghouls your way. Wait until they catch up to you and then…
It’s time to sweat!!!
Run approximately 30-40 minutes, letting the trail of ghouls follow you closely behind. Instead of keeping a consistent pace, try to slow down for a few minutes and then speed up as the zombies begin to catch up. Trust me, this is a great way to stay motivated and improve your running time.
Modern Day Strength Training
Once you decide you’ve run far enough, stop in your tracks and get ready to fight. (You’ve run enough when the moans are so loud that you realize this may have been a bad idea. You’ll know when.)
Take your blunt weapon and smash the skulls of all of your undead pursuers one by one. Really get into a smooth rhythm with your smiting. This exercise is excellent for your rear, back, arms and core.
Walk back to your survival headquarters. Pat yourself on the back for doing such a great workout. Do remember to stretch those hip flexors!
With this this handy plan you’ll either die a painful death … or become fit as a fiddle in no time at all!
*An unofficial title I may have created for myself.