This post was guest edited by the writers of Because Whatever.
Happy Thanksgiving! There has never been a merrier holiday for our band of survivors, thanks in no small part to Mrs. K’s mystery poultry, mashed turnips and multitude of pies. During the festivities, we took turns listing the things that we are most thankful for in 2024. Below are my top five.
1. The relative stability of our new home —While we have had to move many times, we have been able to stay in our current survival shelter for nearly four months! This is a record.
Our current location is remote enough that we rarely attract zombie hordes or rabid dogs. Additionally, we have been fortunate enough to avoid visits from our worst threat: marauders and cannibals. Our plantation home came with a cupola, which makes for a great lookout. When visitors arrive we welcome them…with gunfire!
2. We aren’t starving anymore– We probably won’t die this winter or, at the very least, we won’t die with an empty stomach. In past four months we have grown and canned produce. We’ve hunted and salted various types of meat. Also we have a well near our property which provides us with clean-ish drinking water. I don’t mean to brag, but now we have the luxury to bathe as often as two times per month. Everyone smells so much better now!
3. Winter is coming- Thanksgiving signals a beginning of winter and the hope for freezing temperatures in our future. As you all know, when it gets below 32 degrees fahrenheit zombies tend to freeze or slow down until they are relatively harmless. This gives us a minor reprieve from day-to-day chore of defending ourselves.
Additionally, it enables our junior survivors to play one of their favorite winter games. The children run around a frozen zombie with bows, ribbons and homemade ornaments to create a zombie Christmas tree or, after a blizzard, a Znowman!
Tip: When it is freezing it is the perfect time to ransack your neighborhood for hard-to-find Christmas gifts!
4. Leveling of the Playing Field – Let’s face it: society as we know it has changed dramatically. While cannibalism, looting and rape may be an everyday reality, there have also been some positive social changes afoot. For example:
- The End of Classism – Do you remember the economic downturn of the ‘10s and how it divided us as a nation? Me neither. These days, money is meaningless. But the everyday things we once took for granted have now risen in value. For example, can you guess what the highest form of currency in our survival shelter is? Yes, you guessed it. Unused toilet paper.*
- The End of Racism – Humans must overcome their differences in order to defeat a common enemy. It is Us against the Undead. Therefore, the color of ones’ skin no longer matters….unless your skin is greyish green. In which case, you are DOA (dead on arrival) my friend.
- The Rat Race is Extinct– In the new world collaboration is the key to our survival. We work together and every contribution is valued. The corporate hierarchy of yesteryear is dead.
Of course, the spirit of corporate America still exists today in a purer form. Due to the need to ration food, groups institute survivor-like competitions in which people are voted out of the pack. Luckily for us, we haven’t had to do this in several months! Yet another thing to be thankful for.
5. Mrs. K- The last thing on my list is also the thing I am most grateful for. Mrs. K is my best friend, surrogate sister and the First Lady of our colony.
Here is the story of how we met. Six months into the great panic, I was alone on a foraging trip in Alexandria. I stubbed my toe and stupidly let out a loud yelp in pain. (Amateur mistake, I know.) Within minutes, I was surrounded. I put down as many Zeds as I could before I ran out of ammunition. Fortunate for me, Mrs. K was on a solo scouting mission of her own. I would have been a goner it weren’t for her pity and superior archery skills. She has saved my life many times since then both literally and figuratively.
* By the toilet paper standard, I am actually quite wealthy. About two months ago, I raided an abandoned supermarket and found a treasure trove of toilet paper. Although I hoard the majority of my supply in an undisclosed location for a future martial dowry, I do sometimes trade a roll or two in exchange for avoiding unpleasant chores.