Hi Mrs. K and Miss E,
So I was running away from this zombie the other day, when I happened to look back and it was like slow motion. She was the most beautiful zombie I had ever seen. Her pigtails were swaying back and forth as she continued her effortless march towards me. I was in love. Anyway, I roped her up and brought her back to my living quarters and now I don’t know what to do.
I guess my question is…what do I do with my zombie crush? How do I know if she likes me or just wants to eat me? Also, and I’m not sure you busy girls have time for this, but in case she does like me and we start dating, how fast is too fast to “go all the way”? So many questions!
Mr. E (get it, Mr. E…myster-y…I kill myself!)
Dear Mr. E,
First of all, Mrs. K and I were very disturbed by your question. Surely you must know by now that the undead do not make suitable romantic companions! I choose to assume that the reason you ask such a stupid question is because you must recently woke up from a five-year coma and do not know the rules of the new world. In which case, we’d like to send you a condolence card because everyone you’ve ever known or cared about is
probably definitely dead. Now moving on…
To explain, you must IMMEDIATELY CEASE pursuing this zombie temptress, before you fall victim to “Leanne Syndrome.” What is Leanne Syndrome? I’m glad you asked. Let me tell you a little story of Admiral Erhuy, one of my former companions (emphasis on the former) to illustrate how deadly this syndrome can be.
About four years ago, Admiral Erhuy and I were holed up together with a dozen companions in an abandoned school in Arlington. I had designs on him as a potential husband, but sadly the interest wasn’t mutual. In his late 30’s the Admiral was a West Point graduate and a military careerist. He toured Afghanistan with the marines multiple times and was used to thriving in high-pressure situations. However, all his training was gone as soon as he saw her.
The Admiral named her Leanne (he didn’t know why, he said he thought she looked like a Leanne) and chained her in a broom closet so that he could visit her regularly. She was skinny, mousy little ghoul. I don’t know how we could have preferred her over me, but I digress.
I jealously watched him go into the broom closet with flowers and half-melted chocolates. When Leanne didn’t appreciate his offerings he tried to win her with rare cuts of meat, which she also rejected. Leanne was never satisfied.
I used to listen at the door during their “dates.” Sometimes he read her love poetry, sometimes he told her about his day. In response, she only moaned and reached in vain for his throat.
For their “three week anniversary,” I overheard Admiral Erhuy telling Leanne that he planned to give her something truly special. He asked her to be patient for 24 hours, so he could tie up loose ends, and then they could spend the rest of their afterlife together forever.
He must have leaned in to kiss her then, because I soon heard him screaming, followed by flesh-eating noises. At that point, I opened the broom closet and took out my rifle. I fired two quick headshots and the whole sad episode was over. I’d like to think that Leanne and the Admiral were reunited…in hell.
So what is the point of this tragic love triangle story you ask? I’ll tell you. Are you sitting down? Good. You have Leanne Syndrome. What is the cure you ask? Try to remember that there are living, breathing, warm-blooded girls out there who will appreciate your half-melted chocolates and bad love poetry.
Miss E (emphasis on the Miss)
P.S. I attached a map just in case you needed help finding me!
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