Ask the Gracious Ladies: The Trouble with Defense Harems

Dear Gracious Ladies,

Ok, I’ll admit it, I can’t go it alone.  My plan was perfect: stay alone, stay mobile, stay alive.  But, it hasn’t worked.  I got weary of eating squirrel every night (although I believe my cholesterol is now completely under control!), and have since then considered recruiting up a couple men to protect me from harm. How do I organize this?  I’ve never been in charge of anything, and I’m worried about which men to pick. I’m worried they will run more feral than the brain eaters!  Help! 


Joined Together


Dear Joined Together,

First of all let me just say that I understand your position and you should not feel at all bad that you have decided to join forces with other survivors.  It is just too hard to be an independent woman these days. 

However, I do want to warn you off from creating a disgraceful situation such as the one we rescued Miss Peterson from just a year ago.  What she has designed is something she called a “defense harem” of all-male fellow survivors. What started for her as “a fun and sexy way to live out the end of days” (her words of course), ended in disaster.

Miss Peterson spent the first four years post-panic cultivating and maintaining “a well regulated and healthy defense harem” (most unladylike if you ask me but its better that you hear it straight from the horse’s mouth, as it were).   At first, so she says, the men were all clamoring for her attention which all but ensured her survival as each man was prepared to lay down their lives for her as well as perform any… shall we say service that was needed.

However, when we found her, she had, again in her own words, “let her crushes get the better of her.”  There was growing unrest in the ranks as she began to grow weary of some men and favor others more.  While picking men with a diverse range of skills had at first seemed like a great survival strategy,  it now proved to be her downfall.  For example, her male nurse was always in her favor and therefore she never so much as had a common cold for the first two years.  However, as soon as she began ignoring the cook, her pancakes were routinely charred and tasteless.

When we found her she was running wild through the streets. Her “harem” had turned against her and she welcomed our invitation to join us.  And as distasteful as we might find some of her behaviors, there is no denying she’s dynamite with a flamethrower.

In short, the community-based approach we have cultivated has brought us a little bit of safety and allowed us to preserve our humanity.  You cannot expect a bunch of men to be responsible for your very survival in return for your favors. It simply isn’t sustainable.

And while I appreciate that not everyone can be lucky enough to marry the Governor of a survival community, in these times it is nice to have a just to have one person to hunker down with at night.  Whether it is in an abandoned barn, a burnt out house or high up in the branches of the tallest tree you can find, it’s nice to have a special someone.  I sincerely hope you find yours.

Very truly,

Mrs. K

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2 thoughts on “Ask the Gracious Ladies: The Trouble with Defense Harems

  1. Pingback: Strange Brew and Sweet Wine: Cocktail Parties for the New Age | Gracious Living in a Zombie World: A Ladies’ Handbook

  2. Pingback: How to Ruin Valentine’s Day for Everyone Else: The Single Girl’s Guide | Gracious Living in a Zombie World: A Ladies’ Handbook

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