In the next four part series, we will discuss our colony’s first ever high glitz beauty pageant. In this competition, our four little misses will compete to win the title “Ultimate Grand Supreme of the Virginia Territory.”
I’m very excited to announce that our colony has decided to throw our first ever beauty pageant for our young ladies! Finally our female junior survivors will have a forum to help them transform from ugly ducklings into beautiful swans.
Of course, we decided to go “full glitz” for this event. Glitz pageants, for those of you may not have been fortunate enough to participate in them before the great panic, were glamorous, elegant events that used to be held in cheap hotels and school auditoriums mostly in southern and Midwestern towns. They were very classy affairs.
In opposition to ”natural” pageants where the talent and interview portions are important to the outcome, glitz pageants winners relied on heavily on facial beauty and elaborate costumes to impress the judges. Children are dressed and made up with every inch of their lives and then paraded around like pigs headed to the slaughter. It truly is a beautiful pastime that helps young ladies develop poise and self confidence (provided they are good-looking!).
I was asked to help organize the pageant and coach one of the girls competing. Mrs. K said she appointed me due to my dramatic flair and famous ability with children, but I suspect this was to keep me away from baking activities. After I accidentally used all of our salt supply on the Indian pudding last month, I have been persona non grata in the kitchen. I’ve been getting lots of chores that even my toilet paper collection can’t buy me out of, most recently, nursing Mr. Young Sr. until he decided to walk towards the light already.
In any case, enrollment in the pageant was considered mandatory for all young ladies in the colony. Each competitor was appointed their own pageant coach. The competition will be fierce!
The Competitors and their Coaches
Little Lydia (aged 5) — Coached by her mother, Mrs. Federlin
Little Amanda Rose (aged 12) – Coached by her guardian Mrs. Landau
Little Maddie (aged 10) – Coached by her guardian, Mr. Silver
Little Maude (aged 7) – Coached by her guardian Miss E
Remember: no boys are allowed! Little Cody (aged 3) asked to be enrolled, but we told him in uncertain terms that only girls can compete. He then went back to practicing his pliés. It’s a shame really, he has more sparkle than all the girls combined!
Beauty Pageant Judges
Mr. K, Governor
Mrs. K, First Lady
Mrs. Lehman, School teacher
The categories for this event will be swimwear, evening wear and zombie-killing talent. The latter of which is a new world addition, where we set each girl loose with a zombie in a pit and their weapon of choice in order to show the mastery of their skill. At the end of the pageant we will crown in the following three categories:
- Virginia Territory Princess (3rd place)
- Virginia Territory Queen (2nd place)
- Virginia Territory Ultimate Grand Supreme! (1st place)
Why only three categories for four girls? Well, we thought that the runner-up might be able to learn from the experience of being humiliated publicly.
The pageant will occur in two weeks, so we have much to do to prepare our young misses for their chance at the spotlight. In our next installment, I will detail how to get your little princess glitz-ified. I pulled Little Maude out of school so she can practice her routines night and day. With my coaching, I’m sure she’ll win a big crown when it comes to pageant time! (Or else.)
Let the pageantry begin!
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