Mr. Federlin’s Three Tips to Becoming a Toilet Paper Tycoon

Guest authored by one of the writers of Because Whatever.

Hello Fellow Travelers on the Long and Zombie-Filled Road,

I have asked Mrs. K and Miss E to allow me the space in their handbook to impart some financial wisdom.  The ladies have graciously obliged.

Through my 59 years on this once tame but now godless wreck that is Mother Earth, I have attained quite a bit of knowledge of the financial world.  From my upbringing as a son of a jeweler, through my days as a well-to-do accountant, I have always cherished my ability to hold on to the all mighty dollar, and, if I do say so myself, make quite a pretty penny!

Only, when the Great Panic occurred in 2019, I was stuck with a bunch of liquid assets and nothing to spend them on.  As you might imagine, most people were not prepared enough to always store their money in a suitcase under their bed, like me.  Upon joining this community, I’d realized I was the only one with cash!  Since no one had money, the only thing to do was to change the currency.

And so the “almighty dollar” became the “almighty toilet paper”.

But enough of the history lesson.  You are here to learn something.  I have now attained a quite massive amount of toilet paper and would like to share some knowledge about creating your own toilet paper empire.  I believe anyone, with enough dedication and will, can join the ranks of the 1%, one roll at a time.

And so, here are my three tips to becoming a toilet paper tycoon.

1) Take whatever you can get your hands on.  Don’t be afraid to scour some pretty unsavory places for toilet paper.  Dumpsters and old Port-a-Pottys are places that most people won’t touch, which is exactly why you should.  Just because used toilet paper can sometimes be a bit sludgy, doesn’t mean it isn’t just as valuable.  Always remember, if you want something bad enough, you sometimes have to get your hands a little dirty.

2) Take advantage of unfortunate situations.  I remember not long ago in New Richmond, having my toilet paper ledger in my hand (after doing my daily accounting) and seeing a zed silently march towards Mr. Thompson.  At the moment, I could’ve probably hit the zombie over the head and saved Mr. Thompson from a painful, painful tragedy.

However, being a man who notices good fortune when he sees it, I saw an opportunity take shape.  I knew Mr. Thompson had amassed quite a toilet paper collection.  So instead of saving him and losing out on his riches, I went for his stash.  It was mine.

3) Create a business…then a monopoly.  As the first generation with this new currency in this new world, there are many opportunities for aggressive expansion.  Initially, I chose the security racket.

At first I rented out a few muscle men for protection during small travelling expeditions during the early months of the Great Panic.  I paid these men with a fair, yet minimal, share of toilet paper.  This turned into a business protecting women, old people, and children against the zombie hordes.  Initially, business was slow.  However, business boomed after that first little lady was eaten a few days later.  You see, in my business, zombie bites lead to fear.  Fear leads to demand.   And this demand has always led to a hefty profit!  Whenever I used to hear a child scream, I knew it would be a good day.

Unfortunately, everyone is a dead-eye shooter at this point, so the protection business has slowed to a trickle.  I am now onto my next enterprise …zombie-powered generators!   Not yet a fully-fledged idea.

Anyway, I could go on and on (such is my joy for toilet paper), but this concludes my lesson on building your very own toilet paper empire. I hope you’ve all learned something.  Miss E has taken my lessons to heart and has amassed a considerable dowry for herself, which is a good thing as it detracts from the shape of her nose.

Live long and prosper,
Mr. Federlin

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3 thoughts on “Mr. Federlin’s Three Tips to Becoming a Toilet Paper Tycoon

  1. It’s hard to find well-informed people for this subject – Mr. Federlins Three Tips to Becoming a Toilet Paper Tycoon …, however, you sound like you know what you’re talking about! Thanks

  2. Pingback: Great Panic Remembrance Day | Gracious Living in a Zombie World: A Ladies’ Handbook

  3. Pingback: Miss E’s Handy Guide to Post-Apocalyptic Power Napping | Gracious Living in a Zombie World: A Ladies’ Handbook

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