In this four part series, we have discussed our colony’s first ever high glitz beauty pageant. In this competition, four little misses – Lydia, Maude, Maddie and Amanda Rose – competed to win the title “Ultimate Grand Supreme of the Virginia Territory.” In part 1 of this series, I described how our pageant was organized. Part 2 shows you how to make over your plain jane into a petite pageant princess. Part 3 goes over the ins and outs of modeling and talent routines. 

As I was said before, Maude was robbed. How could this have happened? Days later and I still can’t figure it out.

As her pageant coach, we had prepared every day for two weeks, night and day to make sure she was ready. I used all of the available resources to get her as artificially beautiful as possible. We practiced her zombie-killing talent routine (with a baton) until the execution during performance was flawless.  So why didn’t she win the Ultimate Grand Supreme title we had worked so hard for?

The other girls were…well, just okay. Well, to be fair Little Lydia (aged 5) gave us some good competition, although Mrs Federlin did not take the “glitz” seriously enough, in my opinion. I wouldn’t be surprised if they used her real hair and teeth!  However, her zombie killing talent was a poi fire juggling routine that really wowed the audience.  Like Maude, Little Maddie (aged 10) and Amanda Rose (aged 12) were both glitzed to the nines, but their distinct lack of personality and polished routines did them in. These lackluster routines were no doubt due to inferior coaching by Mr. Silver and Mrs. Landau.

Based on all of the girls’ performances, I would have guessed that Little Amanda Rose would take Queen (2nd place, due primarily to her facial beauty), Little Lydia Princess (3rd place based on her talent routine). As I said before, I was confident Little Maude would win the highest title.

But here is what happened instead: the judges (Mr. K, Mrs. K and Mrs. Lehman) did something entirely so unexpected, so radical and so unfair I could hardly believe it. They decided– against our original rules I should add— to call it a four way tie. In effect, there were no winners or losers!

According to one of the judges, Mrs. Lehaman, ‘Today we wanted to show that all of our colony’s little girls are Ultimate Grand Supremes in our hearts. We hope that all four of you will continue to show the ladylike poise and grace you have demonstrated today. To this end, we are awarding each of you a sash and a crown of equal size.  We do this also to teach you girls an important lesson: remember in the future that the key to our survival against these zombies is cooperation, not in competition.”

Little Maude, the little traitor, was happy with this outcome because she got a crown and no longer has to practice. (Typical 7 year old.) I however, have been spending the last few days sulking in the barn. I suppose I’ll have to come out eventually.

Sincerely Disappointed,
Miss E