Mrs. K has asked me, the Governor, to talk a little about expelling someone from your group. I don’t like to brag but I’ve done a fairly awesome job of governing our survivor group for the last few years. I’ve instituted mandatory weapons training, set up fair laws and resource rationing systems. We have a relatively low mortality rate and unlike many other groups we’ve encountered, not a single one of us has ever had scurvy.
Generally we are well-trained, good-natured people who are not afraid of a little hard work. And I like being Governor; I feel it suits me. There are downsides though, responsibilities that I could do without. For example, I hate telling people they have to leave; and believe me, it is not something that I do lightly. There is a strict set of criteria that must be met before a person can be expelled from the group.
Section 3.4 of our group charter, aka the ‘That Guy’ Test*, covers expulsion from the group. Exempt from Section 3.4 are the elderly, the dying and children. Recently, I had to apply this test on Mr. Young Jr. with respect to his continued tenure with the group. The That Guy Test can be applied by simply asking the following questions:
Is he that guy who…
- Tries to scam more than his allotted resources?
Mr. Young Jr. would constantly hover around the kitchen while dinner was being prepared. Miss E no doubt interpreted this as some romantic gesture towards her. In truth, Mr. Young Jr. was hoping to snag an extra scoop of rice or steal a cookie off the cooling rack.
- Won’t clean up after himself?
I’ve never known a man to leave that much hair in a bathub. It was like someone had put shag carpeting down on the tub floor. I can’t even get into this one. Needless to say he was that guy.
- Doesn’t pull his weight?
On his first night as guard, Mr. Young snuck into the closet to take a nap. Three hours later, Miss Petersen found him. Why she was in the closet at 2:00 am is a subject on which she remains vague.
- Brings everyone down?
Mr. Young Jr. was not only unhelpful, slovenly and greedy, he also brought the group down. He was sullen and prone to unprovoked bouts of violent behavior. Like the time he punched a hole in the pantry door because Mrs. K told him he couldn’t have any more beans!
So there you have it. Miss E, no doubt motivated by some misguided romantic impulse, begged me to give him one more chance. But the law’s the law. Besides no one else wanted him to stay and given Miss E’s tendency to overreact to things, I was not inclined to change my mind.
Last night was his father’s funeral and we let him stay the night (mostly because he was dead drunk and couldn’t be moved from the dining room floor). He left without too much fuss but later that day Mrs. K discovered a sack of beans and four bottles of my homebrew were missing from the pantry. That rat bastard.
*The author of Section 3.4, Mr. Duffy, was a dear friend and one of the founding members of our group. The ‘That Guy’ Test evolved from a similar set of criteria he had used in the pre-Panic days to decide when to throw someone out of a party. He was taken from us during a zedhead ambush two years ago. He final words, uttered as the ghoul was bearing down on him, were: “C’mon man, don’t be that guy.”