It is no secret to you, loyal readers, that Cupid has not been good to me. Two years ago I was engaged, only to have my marital dreams dashed.  My betrothed was attacked by a zombie while picking a valentine’s bouquet for me. Naturally, Valentine’s Day has become my least favorite holiday and a yearly reminder of my romantic failure to launch.

Miss E hates Valentine’s Day

Before the undead took over the planet, it was traditional to go out for a single girl’s night out on the town to ward off the crushing loneliness of the holiday. We would dress in our fanciest trampy outfits, drinking to our independence and empowerment, binge eating chocolates until we found ourselves puking in the back alley. Sadly, today I’m one of two single girls in the colony. The other swinging single lady, Miss Peterson is, as we’ve discussed, not the sort of woman I’d willingly consort with.

Why should couples get to have all the fun?  This year I am going to try and ruin everyone else’s’ Valentine’s Day. Here is how I’ll do it:

Make Anonymous Valentines Cards with Back-Handed Compliments – For example, I have created a stack of homemade Valentines with passive-aggressive “roses are red” poems which I will distribute among my fellow survivors. All will be sent anonymously to promote feelings of paranoia.  Here are some of my favorites:

For Mrs. Anderson:
Roses are red, violets are blue
Your eyes are pretty, but you should consider shampoo

For Mrs. Federlin:
Roses are red, violets are blue
Your cooking is great, except for your cordon bleu

For Mr. Wade:
Roses are red, violets are blue
Hearing you talk makes me feel good about myself, so thank you

 Mrs. Landau:
Roses are red, violets are blue
You look almost as pretty as you used to

Mrs. Lehman:
Roses are red, violets are blue
Your husband is lovely, and rarely untrue

Create and distribute handmade chocolates (with garlic cloves inside!) – One bite of these garlicky treats and couples’ make-out plans will be ruined.

Pour Salt in the Wine – This way when the couples drink a toast to their love, their amour is…. well, toast.

Of course, I will spare the Governor. K and Mrs. K my mischief this year. Not only because Mrs. K is my best friend and I enjoy eating her pies, but also because I don’t want to get banished from the colony. It is a fine line I walk sometimes, but it sure makes post-apocalyptic life interesting!

From One Single Girl to Another,

Miss E