Chicken Pot Pie Makes Everything Better

by theladieszombiehandbook

The other ladies and I have been keeping ourselves busy with laundry, Mr. Anderson’s funeral arrangements (perfunctory as they may be) and general housekeeping duties since Sunday night’s attack.  And I am preparing my famous chicken pot pie for dinner tonight.  I have found it to be the best post-attack meal.  Something about the hearty meal just soothes everyone’s nerves.

While some of the details about the undead attack are still uncertain, the ladies and I have put together a fairly clear picture for bits and pieces extracted from the men as they have rotated out of the conference for sentry duty.

Let me explain our guard system briefly.  We station one guard on each floor, walking the perimeter of the house. The second floor guard can pick off any zombies that are headed our way from above.  The first floor guard is mostly for marauders and cannibals who prefer the classic breaking and entering route.  When a larger than usual group of zeds is spotted, the guard raises the alarm and we all grab our weapons.  No one goes outside unless absolutely necessary.

Mr. K would be glad to go on and on about roof access options, positioning, securing windows, etc. but frankly I find all that rather boring.  Suffice to say, it was a solid defense system that had served us well.

Unfortunately, it seemed that Mr. Anderson, who was stationed on the first floor, saw a few zombies very close to the house and decided to be the hero.  He went outside to exterminate the ghouls, clearly underestimating their numbers.  Mr. Silver saw nothing and only raised the alarm when he heard Mr. Anderson’s calls for help.  The consensus seems to be that there is a blind spot on the west side of the house.

The ensuing fight was fairly quick but we had a close call when Mr. K and Mr. Lacombe went outside to dispose of the bitten Mr. Anderson.  Three zombies attacked from close range and they had just an axe and machete for protection.

Tomorrow there will be parties sent out to look for zed nests and work to be done to improve defenses.  For now though, a hearty meal and good company are our best defenses.  For really tough battles, I even serve the pot pie in individual bread bowls and with a little extra love.

Very truly,

Mrs. K

The Aftermath of a Zombie Attack: How to Remove Stubborn Bloodstains from Clothing

by theladieszombiehandbook

Last night we were surprised by an ugly horde of zeds.  While we are used to a certain amount of undead visitor traffic, this was four to five times the normal amount. Thanks to Mr. K’s daily weaponry drills, we came out of the situation much better than we would have fared a couple of years ago. We only sustained one casualty: Mr. Anderson was bit and disposed of by our “no fuss no muss” method.

Blood spatter stains are such a chore to clean!

Blood spatter stains are such a chore to clean!

Nonetheless Mr. K has called all of the menfolk into a conference that I suspect will last well into tomorrow. The purpose of this meeting is to determine how we were caught unprepared and what measures to put in place to strengthen our defenses.

Of course that leaves us females to pick up the mess of the aftermath. I’m not talking about trauma or grief (the children do need a bit of that but given my parenting philosophy I try to leave this sort of thing to people who care). I’m talking about blood stained laundry from some close range kills. Why some people still prefer to use bludgeoning instruments when they have other less messy options, I’ll never understand. I suppose feeling the crunch of skull must be more satisfying than being considerate to your laundress. I seem always to get stuck with these unpleasant tasks.

Here are some simple tricks I’ve learned that will get the bloodstains out of your clothes:

  • Salt and Water – Let the garment soak in cold salt water overnight. Wash the next morning.
  • Vinegar – Apply the vinegar directly to the stain and blot. When the stain is removed, blot again with a damp cloth to remove the smell. Wash as usual.
  • Baking soda – Mix one part baking soda with two parts water and blot the stain until it lifts. Blot again. Wash as usual.
  • Windex cleaner – Spray glass and window cleaner directly onto the stain and let sit. Blot after 20 minutes. Wash as usual.
  • Club soda – In the unlikely event you get your hands on some club soda during your raids, pour it directly onto the stain. Let it fizz and blot until it disappears. Wash as usual.

Do not have any of these supplies? Try your own saliva. It is a little bit gross, but seems to work like a charm.

Remember: always wash with cold water! Warm water makes blood stains set. And be sure to blot a stain rather than rub the stain in further.

In some cases, you won’t be able to get the pesky blood stain to lift no matter what you do. However, wild blueberries or an extra beet can be used to make a very effective red dye.  Dyed to match, indeed!

Everyone’s laundress,

Miss E

She Made For Such a Lovely Corpse: Mrs. Silver’s Egg White Facials

by theladieszombiehandbook

I don’t know about you, but after a day full of Valentine’s Day mischief-making, my skin always breaks out. If you too have the tendency towards oily skin, I recommend using the dearly departed Mrs. Silver’s egg white facial masque. Mrs. Silver was a close friend of mine before she was overtaken by zombies last spring. She really made for such a pretty ghoul!

Any kind of birds' eggs will do when you make Mrs. Silver's egg white facial

Any kind of birds’ eggs will do when you make Mrs. Silver’s egg white masque

I used to be a fan of an avocado clay masque prior to 2019, but after the zombie apocalypse happened it seemed dangerous to turn your skin into an undead pallor. This clear masque will give you smooth, clear skin while keeping you safe from unwanted head wounds attributable to silly misunderstandings.

Ingredients:
2 eggs (any kind of birds’ will do)

How you do it:

1. Wash your face

2. Crack the eggs and transfer the yolk between the shell halves over a bowl to separate the whites from the yolk.  (Once all the egg whites have been transferred to the bowl, set aside the yolks for later use in baking and add the shells to your compost. It is fine to be vain but no need to be wasteful!)

3. Stir egg white mixture.

4. Apply to your face with clean fingers.

5. Wait 15-20 minutes or until masque is dry.

6. Wash your face and stare in the mirror at your beauty for hours.

Of course, Mr. K says that my use of our egg supply is wasteful, but after we instituted a zombie carcass scarecrow to scare away the rabid dogs, we’ve had more eggs than nearly any other ingredient. And anyway, how many times can one really eat crepes, omelets and quiche?

Sincerely Yours,
Miss E

Happy Valentine’s Day: Junior Survivor Edition

by theladieszombiehandbook

Picture4Today the children are taking a break from their academic studies and combat training to trade valentines.  Some of the junior survivors choose to make individual cards for their classmates.  However, some of the kids are less artistically inclined.  For those junior survivors Mrs. Lehman and I have created some cut-out valentines to distribute to their peers.  Print and cut this valentine for the junior survivor in your life (and this one for your sweetheart).

Now, I have a romantic dinner to plan and some garlic to hide.

Very truly,

Mrs. K

A Printable Valentine for the One You Love

by theladieszombiehandbook

Picture3My husband, the Governor, and I make valentines for each other every year.  I thought I would share one of the valentines that Mr. K made for me early in our courtship.  The zombie-themed valentine is still a cute way to let someone know you care without getting too sentimental.

You can download the valentine here to print and share with your sweetheart (all artwork is by Mr. K).

Tomorrow we will provide printable valentines for your junior survivors to distribute to their friends!

Mrs. K’s Guide to a Zed-Free Valentine’s Day

by theladieszombiehandbook

Miss E has already shared with you the single ladies’ guide to Valentine’s Day.  And while her ideas are certainly interesting (but not endorsed by yours truly), I am here to offer those of you who are paired up some ideas to make Valentine’s Day special.  Below are a few of the ways I plan to celebrate with Mr. K this year:

A Romantic Scavenger Hunt: This year I have devised a romantic scavenger hunt for the Governor.  He’ll follow clues (written on homemade paper hearts) around the house that will lead him to…

An Indoor Picnic: It’s too cold to have an outdoor picnic (and the constant threat of a zed attack will ruin the mood).  An indoor picnic is a great alternative.  All you need is a blanket, a bottle or two of (unsalted) wine, dinner for two and my special heart-shaped cupcakes for dessert.

Quick tip: Heart-shaped cupcakes are easy to create by inserting a small, washed pebble (or marble) between the cupcake pan and liner before filling with batter.  The small indent from the pebble forms a heart-shaped cupcake!

Paper Flowers:  Mr. K is not much for crafty pursuits, however, as no flowers bloom in February around these parts, three years ago Mr. Silver taught him how to make paper flowers.  Every year since, the Governor has presented me with a bouquet of folded flowers (always tiger lilies, my favorite!).

Homemade Valentines: Mr. K and I always exchange handmade valentines.  It adds that personal touch to the day.  With no way to print photos these days, I keep all of our old valentines in a scrapbook along with other important mementos so we have a fun record of our life together.

Valentine’s Day might be a holdover from a more commercially driven society, but sometimes it’s just nice to give yourself an excuse to tell the people you love how much you care.

Very truly,

Mrs. K

How to Ruin Valentine’s Day for Everyone Else: The Single Girl’s Guide

by theladieszombiehandbook

It is no secret to you, loyal readers, that Cupid has not been good to me. Two years ago I was engaged, only to have my marital dreams dashed.  My betrothed was attacked by a zombie while picking a valentine’s bouquet for me. Naturally, Valentine’s Day has become my least favorite holiday and a yearly reminder of my romantic failure to launch.

Miss E hates Valentine's Day

Miss E hates Valentine’s Day

Before the undead took over the planet, it was traditional to go out for a single girl’s night out on the town to ward off the crushing loneliness of the holiday. We would dress in our fanciest trampy outfits, drinking to our independence and empowerment, binge eating chocolates until we found ourselves puking in the back alley. Sadly, today I’m one of two single girls in the colony. The other swinging single lady, Miss Peterson is, as we’ve discussed, not the sort of woman I’d willingly consort with.

Why should couples get to have all the fun?  This year I am going to try and ruin everyone else’s’ Valentine’s Day. Here is how I’ll do it:

Make Anonymous Valentines Cards with Back-Handed Compliments – For example, I have created a stack of homemade Valentines with passive-aggressive “roses are red” poems which I will distribute among my fellow survivors. All will be sent anonymously to promote feelings of paranoia.  Here are some of my favorites:

For Mrs. Anderson:
Roses are red, violets are blue
Your eyes are pretty, but you should consider shampoo

For Mrs. Federlin:
Roses are red, violets are blue
Your cooking is great, except for your cordon bleu

For Mr. Wade:
Roses are red, violets are blue
Hearing you talk makes me feel good about myself, so thank you

 Mrs. Landau:
Roses are red, violets are blue
You look almost as pretty as you used to

Mrs. Lehman:
Roses are red, violets are blue
Your husband is lovely, and rarely untrue

Create and distribute handmade chocolates (with garlic cloves inside!) – One bite of these garlicky treats and couples’ make-out plans will be ruined.

Pour Salt in the Wine – This way when the couples drink a toast to their love, their amour is…. well, toast.

Of course, I will spare the Governor. K and Mrs. K my mischief this year. Not only because Mrs. K is my best friend and I enjoy eating her pies, but also because I don’t want to get banished from the colony. It is a fine line I walk sometimes, but it sure makes post-apocalyptic life interesting!

From One Single Girl to Another,

Miss E

Snowpocalypse Treat: Mrs. K’s Snow Cones

by theladieszombiehandbook

One of the inconvenient things about our new world is that we have no good way of predicting big winter storms.  When a giant snowstorm hits, it is almost always unexpected.

Today the snow is falling and it looks like we might have a foot before it is over.  Of course, we’ve already outlined some of our favorite snow activities but I overlooked one of my favorite treats: snow cones.

Snow cones are a perfect treat.  They are easy, hydrating and the main ingredient is simply falling from the sky!  However, a snow cone is nothing without delicious, brightly colored syrup to pour on top.  Below is my foolproof snow cone recipe.

Syrup Ingredients:

1 cup of fruit
¾ cup sugar
½ cup water

Note:  Syrup can be made in the summer months and canned just like other jams and preserves.

To Make the Syrup:

Cook the fruit with the sugar and water, breaking the fruit up as it cooks.  Once syrup thickens, remove from heat.  Strain the syrup through a sieve to remove fruit pulp.*  Let the syrup cool a bit then drizzle onto of freshly fallen snow.  Enjoy!

*Tip: Keep fruit pulp to use in muffins!

Very truly,

Mrs. K

Miss E’s DIY Coffee Body Scrub

by theladieszombiehandbook
Miss E's DIY Coffee Body Scrub

Banish dry winter skin!

In a world with zombies, cannibals, marauders and rabid dogs there is an even more insidious foe that must be eradicated during the winter months: dry skin.

For this reason, I’ve decided to share my coffee scrub recipe. As a devoted coffee drinker, I always have a fresh supply of used coffee grounds handy. (Another great way to use coffee grounds is as a fertilizer for your basement garden.)

My coffee body scrub will not only exfoliate your skin, it may even help you eliminate cellulite by “waking up” your skin’s natural metabolism or….. something. Truthfully, I don’t understand the science behind it.

Ingredients:
As always, use substitutions liberally here!

½ cup used coffee grounds
2 tablespoons sugar (salt can be a substitute)
1 ½ tablespoons Vitamin E oil (coconut oil works too)
1 tablespoon almond oil (substitute: olive oil)

How to do it:

  1. Mix all ingredients together in a bowl, stir.
  2. In the bath (or shower if you are lucky enough to have running water) scrub all over your body, taking care to scrub extra hard on cellulite trouble zones  and dry places.
  3. Rinse thoroughly

After all, if beauty is on the inside, why not remove a layer of epidermis to make it more visible?

Your never scaly,
Miss E

 PS: This recipe works great in conjunction with my hair masque recipe for a fantastic spa day!

Mr. K’s Top 12 Late Night Sing-Along Songs

by theladieszombiehandbook

The only thing missing from Mrs. K’s excellent guide to cocktail parties is the grand tradition of drunken sing-alongs.  Below I, Mr. K, have compiled a dozen of our favorite songs to belt out at the end of the night:

  1. Is That All There Is? by Peggy Lee
  2. Waiting For the End of the World by Elvis Costello
  3. You’re Gonna Die by William Shatner
  4. End of the World by REM
  5. Party at Ground Zero by Fishbone
  6. They Are Night Zombies!! by Surfjan Stevens
  7. Bad Moon Rising by CCR
  8. Until the End of the World by U2
  9. End of the World by Skeeter Davis
  10. Farewell Ride by Beck
  11. Goodbye Blue Sky by Pink Floyd
  12. The End by the Doors

There are some great stories that go along with some of these songs but Mrs. K has asked me to refrain from telling them here.   What’s your favorite?

My Best,

Mr. K